These Burdens We Must Bear
by Please.Insert.Name
Summary: Secrets vary just as much as the way people deal with them. Spoilers for Lauren.


_'Yes, I will be thy priest, and build a fane_  
><em>In some untrodden region of my mind,<em>  
><em>Where branched thoughts, new grown with pleasant pain,<em>  
><em>Instead of pines shall murmur in the wind'<em>  
><em>~ John Keats<em>

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><p>He stood in the darkness of his flat, his unseeing eyes roaming the empty rooms. It was habit. A habit he had adopted soon after Foyet had invaded his private space. He knew it was unhealthy, but as he poured himself a scotch, he agreed that it wasn't as bad a repercussion as the others had feared.<p>

Sipping the liquid fire, he flicked on a lamp, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the newly created light. Polishing it off, he poured another, and then another. Each drink helping him unlock the box hidden deep within his psyche.

He rarely ventured there anymore. Not even taking a peek even when he so desired to. He likened it to Pandora's box. It was filled with all the things he would never want to share, the moments he never wanted to taint with his everyday life. His retreat if you like.

Downing his last drink, he saw the images appear before his eyes. Now he scarcely recognised them. They seemed like another life. The life of someone who now he envied more than ever.

Looking down at her from his office, he smiled at the way her raven hair kept getting in the way until she roughly tied it back before getting on with her work.

The way her eyes would glance up at him whenever he walked past, hastily casting them downwards when she saw him looking at her.

Their first kiss, the sheer need driving them. It was hasty, passion filled as they tried to get all their feelings out at once. They never went any further that night. He was still recovering from Foyet, and both were content just knowing the other was with them. Alive.

Hiding it from the team had been harder. He was sure that Dave knew. He always had trouble hiding things from the older profiler. However, his mentor just gave his blessing and moved on, letting the lovers be. He had been expecting outrage, at least a talking too. But all his friend did was smile at him, his eyes containing a knowing look and one he had never seen grace his features before. Peace.

He hadn't known about Doyle. Then again it shouldn't have surprised him. He knew that when she joined the team either she or someone else had done something to make it so. Now he had his answer, but that never meant he felt any better about it.

Taking another sip of the sweet alcohol, he sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. He had failed her. Let her be hunted like an animal whilst he was blissfully unaware until it was too late. The sight of her bloodied and broken on the floor of the compound would be forever etched in his memory. The look in Morgan's eyes as he pleaded with her to stay with them. He remembered wanting to go over to her, to hold her in his arms, but all he could do was watch. It wasn't his place.

The waiting had been worse. He couldn't recall the looks of his team once they heard the news. He just remembered feeling stifled, wanting to get out of there and run away from what had happened. JJ had caught him however. She had told him the truth and he never thought he could feel so sad and elated all at once.

Now he locked it away, hiding it in his chest of secrets that no one, not even Dave knew about. He would take them out now and again, look at them like an artist does a painting: seeing all the flaws in it and yet appreciating the overall beauty at the same time. He was certain she would catch Doyle. If there was one thing about Emily he admired it was her determination. Now it was just up to him to give her the chance, keep her secret, and although it killed him he knew it was for the best. He owed her that much at least.

Setting the glass down, he hear the familiar shrill ring of his phone.

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><p><em>AN: I was finally able to watch Lauren last week - sometimes living in Britain is a bitch - and I couldn't resist writing about it. I know the idea has probably been done to death by now, but I couldn't get this out of my head! I've never written like this before - that is not an excuse if it is terrible, if it is then that is entirely my fault not my inexperience - and so feedback would be appreciated. Normally I prefer hurt/comfort to angst but I guess that was just where this story took me.  
><em>

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds and apparently 10p is not enough to buy it :/_

_I apologise for any spelling and/grammar mistakes contained within this story._


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